Well, I don't do costumes.
I do, however, like to to present things I write.
So, tonight, I was cleaning out a box and found a copy of my obit. Though it's a little out of date (as in I have another nephew, there's no mention of Shelby, I got married and I don't feel quite as strongly about Kevin Costner I use did then), it is still kinda funny. So, I thought I share it. (Names have been changed to protect the innocent.) Other things to remember:
1. I was a state employee; therefore, I can poke fun at them.
2. I've been to the Baltics.
3. I've never been to Iowa (but it's on my list of places to see).
4. Bat Cave, NC exists and yes, I want to live in that vicinity one day.
5. To my knowledge (which isn't saying much), I am not Scottish.
Salem Stitcher, Dead at 104
Today, the governor of North Carolina has requested that flags around the state be flown at half-mast. With great sorrow, we announce that a national treasure has been lost. Salem Stitcher has died at the age of 104. Ms. Stitcher was born in an undisclosed metropolis of North Carolina on New Year's Day...well, 104 years ago. Though she called North Carolina home all her life, she was a world traveler spending much of her travels exploring with wilds of Africa, Microindonesia, the Baltics and Iowa.
Ms. Stitcher was an alumnus of North Carolina State University where she studied civil engineering for eight years. The university was so in her debt for the privilege of educating her that they wanted to name a building after her but in her humility, she declined. She opted for a fountain statue of her to be placed on the Brickyard where all students will be inspired by her example.
The trials and tribulations of engineering bureaucracy frustrated Salem to such a point that she created a computer virus that instead of incapacitating state government, streamlined it so that 90% of the state employee positions were deemed unnecessary. These employees were reassigned to ceremonial posts throughout the world. This saved the State of North Carolina a total of $5.2 million per year and provided an opportunity for thousands of state employees to live productive lives. A fountain statue of her was placed on the grounds of the State Capitol. However, because she unleashed thousands of state bureaucrats on the world, she was banned from many countries and had to stop her world travels.
At this point, Ms. Stitcher became a recluse and retired to the mountains of North Carolina to concentrate on her quilting and story telling. However, she could not hide out for long. She soon became a folk icon. People traveled to Bat Cave, North Carolina from all over the world to hear Ms. Stitcher tell stories of North Carolina and Scottish folklore and to have a chance to see a Salem Quilt in person. Since her retirement, Salem Quilts have become the standard for which quilt artists around the world strive. Salem Quilts can be viewed publicly in the National Art Museum, the Smithsonian, the Louvre and the Bat Cave General Store. The last Salem Quilt to be auctioned at Sotheby's was the famous "Chains of Love", which brought a price of $1,400,000 two years ago. It was purchased by Mr. Kevin Costner who said he wanted something she touched to keep him warm at night.
Rumors of Ms. Stitcher's whereabouts reached Hollywood where Steven Spielberg purchased the rights to the story of her life. The movie was released four years ago and was the top grossing movie of all time and winner of seven Academy Awards including Best Screen Play and Best Actress, which went to Judy Norton who portrayed Ms. Stitcher. Ms. Norton is best known for her role as Mary Ellen Walton.
Though 104 years old, Ms. Stitcher was a vital, robust woman who still lived her life to the fullest and did what she wanted right to the last minute. Her untimely death was the result of a freak accident...an avalanche of fabric in her own home. Ms. Stitcher was found dead under pounds of fabric in her quilt studio. Her sole heir, a nephew, has released plans to build the Salem Stitcher Folklore and Quilt Museum on the Salem Compound property near Bat Cave. It will have a fountain statue of his aunt in the front courtyard.
Ms. Stitcher was an alumnus of North Carolina State University where she studied civil engineering for eight years. The university was so in her debt for the privilege of educating her that they wanted to name a building after her but in her humility, she declined. She opted for a fountain statue of her to be placed on the Brickyard where all students will be inspired by her example.
The trials and tribulations of engineering bureaucracy frustrated Salem to such a point that she created a computer virus that instead of incapacitating state government, streamlined it so that 90% of the state employee positions were deemed unnecessary. These employees were reassigned to ceremonial posts throughout the world. This saved the State of North Carolina a total of $5.2 million per year and provided an opportunity for thousands of state employees to live productive lives. A fountain statue of her was placed on the grounds of the State Capitol. However, because she unleashed thousands of state bureaucrats on the world, she was banned from many countries and had to stop her world travels.
At this point, Ms. Stitcher became a recluse and retired to the mountains of North Carolina to concentrate on her quilting and story telling. However, she could not hide out for long. She soon became a folk icon. People traveled to Bat Cave, North Carolina from all over the world to hear Ms. Stitcher tell stories of North Carolina and Scottish folklore and to have a chance to see a Salem Quilt in person. Since her retirement, Salem Quilts have become the standard for which quilt artists around the world strive. Salem Quilts can be viewed publicly in the National Art Museum, the Smithsonian, the Louvre and the Bat Cave General Store. The last Salem Quilt to be auctioned at Sotheby's was the famous "Chains of Love", which brought a price of $1,400,000 two years ago. It was purchased by Mr. Kevin Costner who said he wanted something she touched to keep him warm at night.
Rumors of Ms. Stitcher's whereabouts reached Hollywood where Steven Spielberg purchased the rights to the story of her life. The movie was released four years ago and was the top grossing movie of all time and winner of seven Academy Awards including Best Screen Play and Best Actress, which went to Judy Norton who portrayed Ms. Stitcher. Ms. Norton is best known for her role as Mary Ellen Walton.
Though 104 years old, Ms. Stitcher was a vital, robust woman who still lived her life to the fullest and did what she wanted right to the last minute. Her untimely death was the result of a freak accident...an avalanche of fabric in her own home. Ms. Stitcher was found dead under pounds of fabric in her quilt studio. Her sole heir, a nephew, has released plans to build the Salem Stitcher Folklore and Quilt Museum on the Salem Compound property near Bat Cave. It will have a fountain statue of his aunt in the front courtyard.
12 comments:
You crack me up!
OMG...chuckling here! Funny!!
You have a great wit. Very cute!!
This is the funniest thing I have read in a very long time; you should, definitely, write a book! I love your wit, charm and incredible sense of humor.
You make me laugh!
Loved it all!!
Ah, we all can only aspire to reach a fraction of your greatness.
the Louvre and the Bat Cave Genreal Store...LOL ohmygosh I can't breathe!! Way too funny! :-)
The world bows at your feet.... the Smithsonian, the Lounre, Bat Cave, wow... how impressive... we are all blessed just to be able to know you!!!! TOO FUNNY.....Your death is just toooooo devastating!!!!
Your obit has made my day LOL
I was giggling on the couch yesterday and had to re-read this for Go Postal. A fabric avalanche wouldn't be such a bad way to go!
That is just too funny. I guess we all better watch how high we stack our fabric. LOL
Hilarious...you spin a great tell. Can't wait to see the museum in Bat Cave...It will be beautiful.
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